Sleep deprivation…it’s killer. It makes me feel like I’m crazy or lazy or out of my mind at times. Recently, I’ve had a glimpse of the “real” Kelli. After Owen slept through the night for 2 nights in a row, I woke up feeling refreshed for the first time in 18 months. I made plans to start exercising…and I actually exercised!! I completed some projects around the house, I felt like a new woman, or an actual woman again rather than a zombie woman. I’m desperately praying that I get more of that. I’m desperately praying that Owen will begin sleeping through the night regularly as well as sleeping later than 5:30am! I honestly fantasize about sleep, how lame is that?
I hate to admit but I haven’t handled sleep deprivation very well this past year. I’ve gained more weight than I care to confess and I have acted in grumpy, frustrated, irritated and bitter ways towards my husband and my kids. I let it get the best of me, I let it consume my thoughts and made me feel sorry for myself. But what I realized about 6 months ago was I don’t want to look back on this time with regret. When the boys are 16, I don’t want to look back and think, “yeah, i should have handled that time better.” I don’t want to have to apologize to my teenage boys for being irritated with them when they were young because I was so stinkin’ tired. I have friends that remember their moms when they were young being irritable with them all the time, it sticks with you. I don’t want my tiredness to stick with my boys. I want my playfulness to be what they remember. I want them to say, “yeah mom, i remember you chasing us a lot and playing legos with us for hours and cuddling with us on the couch while we watched Mickey Mouse.”
Instead of living out of guilt for what I’m NOT doing, I want to be satisfied with what I AM doing which is giving all I’ve got to being a good mom and a good wife. I can’t do it all, I don’t have energy for all of it, something has to take the back seat for right now. But I refuse to let my relationship with my husband and my boys take the back seat. I wish I was super woman and, on little sleep, had the energy to exercise regularly, make the freshest and healthiest meals, make love more, have a cleaner house and sit down to write. I’m not super woman, I don’t have enough for all that. But what I do have, I’ll give, I’ll give all I’ve got. I will fail, I will disappoint, but I won’t curl up in my bed (like I often want to do!) and check out. I will keep loving my family and my church, I will keep playing with my boys, I will keep connecting with my husband, I will keep giving myself grace, I will keep asking God for help every step of the way.
Because truthfully, I’ve got very little, and with each night that I lost more and more sleep, that dwindled more and more. My only choice was to depend on God to make up the difference, and He has, He does, He will. I want to say to my boys one day, “I came close to losing my mind but God kept it for me. I came close to shutting down but God opened me up. I came close to giving up but God said He would give me all He’s got. Out of his great love for me, He did. I know I’m not a perfect mom, I know I made poor choices at times, I know you learned how to ask for forgiveness by watching me. But I hope you know this one thing, out of my great love for you, I gave you all I’ve got.”